Do you ever get the feeling like you are living out some future 7th grader's homework assignment? 2038 Question #23 That's Us! Kids are going to fall asleep listening to stories of this year and are totally not even gonna get partial credit for writing 2007 on the pop quiz! (sorry future 7th graders, rules be rules, RED PEN ATTACK) But 2008, hellz yeah 2008: The Year America Took a Step Forward To Start to Suck Less, And Then Immediately Took Another Step Back

I stay here, in this lovely country, because I am a cartoon cat that likes organized dancing with Paula Abdul. I am proud to be Skat Kat, even if my rap-single is impossible to find now and my cartoon pants horribly dated. This country could be awesome. Perhaps one day WILL be awesome. Bottom line though, we are SO not awesome yet.

I started about four posts this week, only to never actually hit "post" on any of them. It would be so damn wrong to pretend like this week wasn't one of the most important of my life. I was super nervous election night, paced my apartment for a half hour before stats started coming back and instead opted to watch what turned out to be the CRAZIEST bollywood flick I've ever seen instead of CNN. One of the best decisions ever! Dancing, dancing, dancing, FIGHTS, dancing, gratitous high-speed fan slow motion man-candy struts, dancing, dancing, OVER! Turned off the movie just in time for us to win O-Hi-Oooooo. Sorry CNN, but DHOOM had much more satisfying reporting this election, or at least perfect timing. Movie ended. We won.

Not only was the movie a great distraction from fear, but it had some of the most amazing unsexy dance moves I've ever seen. The flailing done by the women in the beginning of the opening is rather similar to my secret apartment dancing. I do love it so! ASYMMETRICAL WINDMILL HANDS! ASYMMETRICAL WINDMILL HANDS! HIGH KICK! HUUUUH!

So they announce Obama and I start to cry. I've only felt truly patriotic twice in my life. The first time was when I won $20 for a drawning of Abe Lincoln in 2nd Grade..though perhaps that feeling was more "holy crap I can buy so many Sugar Daddy's for $20!" than it was truly patriotic.

Err...to be clear Sugar Daddy is a type of carmel candy. Um..yeah.

The second time was listening to Obama's speak, both on election night and once a while back. I had seen Obama speak in 2003 at a Social Studies teacher conference. I had no idea who he was but he was so damn moving. Nothing on tv will ever give his true speaking charm justice. When he won this week I felt proud, I felt like the world was turning into something amazing...and then I woke up.

I know we made a HUGE step and not only do I have hope for future and the intelligence of this country but ALSO now I don't have to fear quite so much about having to breast-feed old people GRAPES OF WRATH style (was totally dreading that!), but while that huge step was being made another went the other way.

The Prop 8 thing KILLED ME. I balled like a baby over it. It's fucked up. So royally fucked up.

Talk talk talk about equality and progress, but we just approved someone's equality only to say "hey just kidding!" It would be like if after the Civil War the powers that be were like "Well, we tried this 'no-slavery' thing, but MAN it's kinda expensive and not working out. Sorry guys! Back to the old days we go! No hard feelings, right? Feel free to sing as much as you'd like!"

My sis is engaged to an awesome girl. At least a third of my friends are gay. But screw that approach! Forget me having ANY personal connection to anyone gay at all...equality should be friggin equal!

The awesome Josh has started a letter writing (and fancy stationary buying it seems) pen-pal campaign with Ron Prentice, CEO of California Family Council and Chair of ProtectMarriage.com. Check out Josh's blog and write a letter of your own. Fancy stationary is optional, but realizing that people are people and love is love is MANDATORY.

I know Obama is going to be AWESOME in office, but can I start campaigning for the next president yet? I vote JESS FINK! This can totally be her first poster.

Oh yeah and 7th graders of 2038, first off thanks for being awesome and believing in equality and stuff. Also SWEET teleporter shoes!

I imagine they look a lot like these...only with little globes you have to pump up in order to break the laws of physics.

I made it! Isn't the definition of internet famous getting posted to a website right above a picture of a bunch of monkeys in a wheelbarrow. I THINK IT IS!


Yes folks, my tattoo'ed leg is making the internet rounds and I just got my very own post on CUTE OVERLOAD. So so so weird!

It's been on a bunch of pretty popular sites and is getting DUGG pretty hard it seems...though again people are of two minds: I'm either the coolest girl ever (got four marriage proposals since yesterday) or I am a "Total Idiot Hairy legged democrat with disgusting toes who needs someone to f**t the emo out of her."

Yes that's a f**t not a f**k. Yes. Fist. THE INTERNET IS SO FULL OF NICE PEOPLE! I hope my grandmother sees that one.

Truth be told I do have disturbing feet. I was once told by a fella I was in love with: "wow you could like survive in the wilderness without shoes". Supposedly it was a compliment or so he claimed. I've got me four broken toes out of ten (FUN FACT: ten is the number of toes most people have. *jingle THE MORE YOU KNOOOW!*) I walk way too much in this city and am accident prone and have the flicker set to prove it!

Screw those evil commenters! I love my tattoo and when I'm 80...for ONE I'm not going to be wearing mini-skirts (have I ever worn a mini skirt?) and for TWO I'm going to love it no matter how lumpy my giraffe may become. Lumpy giraffes are like my second favorite kind. Right behind normal giraffes.

In MORE EXCITING NEWS! Two things!

1. If you are near the Flatiron TODAY AT 1PM you should come by for a FREE CONCERT I organized in the little plaza outside the building. My friend's band (who you will remember from that Fluff Radio show)NOT WAVING BUT DROWNING will be playing the song featured here: http://www.abc3dbook.com Oh yes ABC3D is out today! Woo! I am wearing black red and white in honor of it...though my red has a lovely burn mark...since I tried to iron it. Anyone who ever lived with me can now laugh at the fact I even ATTEMPTED to iron. Yes, me and the domestic arts aren't exactly friends.

2. This has made my day, week, month, year, and perhaps decade. Here is the first book ever dedicated to ME:







EDIT!
3. OH this day just keeps getting better! Full Version of WEREWOLF BAR MITZVAH is online: http://www.nbc.com/30_Rock/take_it/ww_barmitz_ver6.mp3


The world is a wonderful place.

Before I SPX recap like a craaaazy mofo, let's play a game of TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

It goes a little something like this (hit it!):
-my throat hurts something fierce and has since I got back from SPX
-I have not eaten a porcupine
-I think
-Err...I DID have a few drinks over the weekend and I do sometimes sleep talk...Anyone remember me breaking into the Baltimore Zoo and sleep-eating any pointy animals?

Should I:
a) go to the doctor today. I'm worried it's strep since I am INVINCIBLE normally. I have one lined up but I'll have to travel to manhattan and sit in a stupid office for a while
b) sleep it off, I already called in Carol Channing (similar to calling in sick, but it is done while immitating Carol Channing's voice)
c) WRITE IN YOUR OWN ANSWER! DECIDE WHAT I DO! Examples: Get on a plane and go somewhere sunny where rainbows burst from children's eyes! OR Just call up the porcupine's family. It's probably just severe guilt that's in your throat for accidentally devouring one of their loved ones.

If enough people choose an option I WILL DO IT. No matter what it is. Pinky. Swear.

Ug. I hate being sick. Phew, it's a good thing we didn't all collectively make-out.....or...did...we...dunt dunt dunnnnnn!

Now onward to SPX! So many people have already explained the awesomeness that last weekend was. Check out Jess's entry and Ed's recap and Liz's entry (who casually neglected to talk about the fact she accidentally turned my boobs inside out in that crushing carride back from karaoke!) and MK's post and Leah's post...christ I could go on and on!

Total highlights include:
-Getting to know MK and Joe better through terrifying attack by Billy Joel and a stalking of the YOO-HOO man at a MD WaWa (Marianne was of course there in that car ride as well...but if I knew her any better I would be stealing her identity and living out her life in a very nice manhattan apartment while she was tied up in a ditch somewhere...muahahaha...um...what? I didn't say anything!)
-rooming with Jess and Eric and Tyler and not accidentally peeing on ANYONE in my sleep. YAY!
-not being an exhibitor FOR ONCE and spending a good chunk of that first day you guys were on the floor in the hotel pool BOO-YAH! Also frolicking with Marianne in general is AWeSOME, surprisingly we dont' find a ton of time to do it in our own city lately!
-Karaoke and re-meeting (this time reealz yo!) Ed, who I had interviewed last year at some crazy hour of the morning ...and hadn't remembered until after this SPX when we had already declared comic bbf-ness!
-MUPPETS! And seeing Jim Henson's nipples in their early years.

Okay! On to Pictures! All of um are HERE on flickr:
http://flickr.com/photos/abletoven/sets/72157607859334097/


Crap, wait I DID meet a porcupine at Karaoke! I'M SO SORRY PORCUPINE OR WHATEVER ANIMAL YOU REALLY ARE! (Also those karaoke visuals were TERRIFYING! Also also wouldn't that make the creepiest sonogram EVER! Or perhaps the most awesome one, considering your standpoint)

ALSO!
Remember the great "how many cherry tomatoes can you fit in your mouth" contest from 2006? Well it was BACK and this time "ONE" was enough for all involved. More on this below the cut!


( MORE MORE MORE! )

WOO! MY BRAIN HAS RETURNED TO MY HEAD!

I wasn't going to continue this journal. After the last year and a half, having a job where I was representing RB in business suits and fancy shoes and stayed at work til 9pm most nights and had a monitor that just glooowed towards my boss's boss's office, I decided I had to refrain from armpit-fart jokes and what else do I ever talk about in this journal? But NO MORE! Because starting in a few weeks I am officially...

THE BOOK DESIGNER FOR :01 GRAPHIC NOVELS!

So so crazy since I didn't even apply for the job, but while they were without designers I had to do a few ad designs for them, and the head of the imprint went craaaaazy over a few I made. I think it was like the part in the looney toons where somebody's head looks like a buttery-turkey-noggin, only this time I LOOKED like a piece o' silly puddy, one that was sorta cool but you KNOW will be much cooler after you put a picture of KING ID on it and stretch that little cartoon man out while yelling quotes from THE ELEPHANT MAN...um...what was my point again? Oh yeah! Mark saw me as someone with natural design eye he could mold, and it helped that I knew and LOOOVE all the books already. Do you know them? YOU SHOULD! http://firstsecondbooks.com

Though truth be told I think the REAL reason he hired me was he was impressed by my high-five skills. I mean who WOULDN'T BE. It is the first thing on my current resume. Actually I think I might reedit it to be the ONLY THING on my current resume. Also, SCREW RESUMES I HAVE MY DREAAAM JOB! I am going to start to write my name all over my notebook pretending I got married to this job.

Seriously.

I fear I am going to ruin all my new business cards by making out with them.

I felt all sorts of "there is no hope for the future (insert sci-fi music here)" these last few years. But now I am single (though still good friends with the awesome Mikey), have a swell green-painted apartment, about to start a new job, AND about to distribute fake beards to the masses!

LUMBERJACK DAY is upon us! This friday night the Black Rabbit Bar is hosting a party where I am giving out free beards and mini-axes and pancakes! I've been redesigning the site like crazy this week, and it's AMAZING...



WHAT I WANT FROM YOU (other than a welcome back high-five)!
-send me any lumberjack-y related tutrials, drinks, recipes, or JOKES and I'll totally post them on the site!
(joke page is still not live, but check out these gems! http://lumberjackday.net/celebrate/howto/jokes)

-COME CELEBRATE WITH ME! Festivities start at 7pm and the bar is the BLACK RABBIT at 91 Greenpoint Ave. in Brooooklyn, but we'll be there all night! Seriously I miss you guys come out and celebrate our ridiculous invented holiday!

-SPREAD THE WORD, WERD! Go out for pancakes or waffles with your friends or just use this as an excuse to stop bleaching your facial hair ladies. If I could grow it, you know damn well I would! Also feel free to JOIN THE FACEBOOK group and stuff!

-PANCAKES VIA POSTAL CARRIER! You HAVE to see this tutorial a swell Fluff Radio fan made! It's an LLA! Hey, remember those?!

Okay, now to fill in the gap of six months worth of posts...Where I have been in photo form!

First off, it's a me meme. That "Take a picture of yourself right now. Don't change your clothes. Don't fix your hair. Do not collect $200." Thing.

I wasn't sure how to tell you guys this, but I look so short in this because I lost both of my legs in a surgery attempt to make me look more like those cute 1/2 horses I love in the petting zoo. Oh yeah, and I use a side monitor as well.


( No onward with where I've been! )

So first with apologies...if you have written me an email or left me a phone message...I have not responded. I am in that "bad place" break-ups/moving out puts a person, and surely won't be fun to listen to. BUT! I am feeling cheerier today...since good news!

1. I found a place to live! I am moving to greenpoint, from greenpoint! Actually it's about .4 miles away from my current place. Still in the middle of nowhere, but that's how I like my apartments it seems. I'm technically on the border of greenpoint and north williamsburg...probably even williamsburg on a map, but my geek roots refuse to admit I could ever be a true billy-burger. I shall be living in a new 2 1/2 bedroom with an awesome gal/bartender named Vicki I only met a few weeks back but has already gotten me enough free drinks to officially be awesome!

2. So the fellas of the playground ghosts have been doing tons of cons without me, which is cool since they have hundreds of things to sell at these shows, when I literally have 10-20 books that took me 3-4 hours each to make, but I assumed I was still in for my hometown MOCCA. Winds up they gave my spot to Sir Randall from xkcd. Randall's a super nice guy, but geez it totally sucks they gave my spot away without even asking me! I missed it last year since I was away at a librarian work convention...but they knew I was in town this time. BUUUT here comes the good part! Mr. Pat Lewis of "HOLY CRAP IT'S Mr. Pat Lewis" fame has offered me donuts AND a spot at his table. WOO's and HOO's I'll be there! Not only is Pat awesome at karaoke AND drawing, but he's darn swell as a person as well. Thanks Pat!

3. They hired a woman to take away 25% of my job at work who starts on Tuesday! They also asked me to start making many more "book trailers" AND are going to let me start some of the creative ideas I've wanted to do for years, like a vidcasts and podcasts where I get bands to sing songs about our books. If it works for the cheese Disney, why can't it work for GOOD BOOKS with GOOD SUPER AWESOME CATCHY SONGS? The podcasts will be songs, interviews with authors, me reading portions of books, and lots of other stuff. I pray they let me keep doing this, and there have already been a bunch of industry magazines who are asking to interview me about my craaaazy ideas which have been working! So weird! Recently, they asked me to make a new song for ABC3D since Amazon and BN and such asked for rights to the video, and I got some fans of the book, the incredible band I know as "the band who practices in my living room every saturday" aka my roomie Mason's band Not Waving But Drowning. I swear they didn't just get the gig because on those Saturday practices they also always cook me southern biscuits and gravy. If it were up to me the 75% of my body currently made up of water would be replaced with 75% of PURE SOUTHERN WHITE GRAVY. Um...NOT A EUPHEMISM! CHECK OUT THE NEW SONG completely inspired by the book! Man does that make me smile like an idiot. Something I haven't done much of lately.

They also asked me to make a trailer for this book and gave me four days to do so. Luckily one of my comic friends who I never see is a BRILLIANT video editor and could take a book with no images and make something awesome and totally teen-goth in like no time. Yes that is me...and all of my roommates acting badly.
Other good news is Chris Dlugosz, the fella who edited this and is in the BEST VIDEO GAME COVER BAND I HAVE EVER HEARD, has promised me when he dies and gives his body to science I can put his brain in a jar AND KEEP IT! We went back and forth about the color a bit, but we decided on an Aquamarine-eske Blue as the color for the liquid goo his brain shall float around in. Woo!

4. HOLY CRAP I DESIGNED MY FIRST BOOK COVER! One day I want to do this for a living...but here's a start. It's a Young Adult book called ISABELLE'S BOYFRIEND by the ridiculously rad Caroline Hickey. Click to see the bigger version...


I'm really happy with how it came out and the fact it gave me an excuse to buy a drawing tablet...
so I can make things like this which the world REALLY NEEDS.

It's Barbara Bush as a mexican wrestler, eating a cheese curl...which I'm sure is the first thing EVERYONE draws when they get a wacom.

So I was bored of mailing packages at work one day (three hours after I was supposed to go home) and I made a little video of one of the books we have coming out that i LOOOOVE and then set it to one of my favorite 30's songs "Roll On, Mississippi, Roll On" by the Boswell Sisters...

That was a month ago and the book doesn't even go into stores for 8 months...but someone on some typography blog found it and within three days it's EXPLODED on the internet.

Today my hands are being featured on all myspace user homepages! New York Times just blogged about it! It's now in the top #123 overall books on Amazon (meaning not just in the kids section) and it doesn't even exist yet! So so crazy! I AM SO GOING TO BE DAVID DUCHOVNY IN ZOOLANDER! Who wants to buy me glass case for my arm? Anyone? Anyone?

(side note: OH MAN does it make me sad I cannot find an image of the glass hand case from Zoolander!)

I never sent anyone the link so these 100,000 people who have viewed this video found it entirely on their own. Those of you who know me and the horrible time I've been having at this job (which sucks ALL the creativeness out of me!) should totally check out the video, rate it, comment using no abbreviations or numbers within letters, or if you are feeling particularly excited..you can even buy the book. (Though if you wait 8 months or so you'll have a nice friend who might be able to get ya one. Eh? Eh?)

I'm hoping this might lead to me getting to do more fun stuff than just mailing packages. Click and help me start to be creative again!


Spread it like creamy peanut butter! (but not chunky, since that usually tears the bread and pisses me off.)

The odd thing is I got "internet famous" for a bit for my connect-the-dots leg tattoo, and now I'm getting internet famous a bit for my hands...what's next? Perhaps we should have a body parts poll. I'm hoping my left nostril finally gets the recognition it deserves soon....

Love,
Coll

PS totally have a new goal of posting once a week again at LEAST. Too many good stories to tell! For instance I am amazed I never told the "YOO-HOO IS MY SECOND FAVORITE TYPE OF BEER" pickup line story here. Isn't that what LJ is for???

Hello all you Texas types! I'm in your state breathing your air and stuff and most likely farting it out my tush! (I really REALLY love Tex-Mex.) You should come by and say hi. I'll be at STAPLE! in Austin this Saturday, March 1. It's HANDS DOWN the best show I do all year in terms of levels of awesomeosity. So many handmade craftiness, books, and my favorite comic people like Dave and Melissa! (as well as our own crew, Mikey, Marianne, and the Malki! ) Can you spot Marianne and I in that comic of Dave's? I'll give you a hint our boobs are made of helium.

In. Real. Life.

I'm super proud of the stuff I made for this show including a 100 page comic bound with 7" records! It's the collected storyline from 150-185 with some added panels to make it into a real live book! It's even in color. oooooooh color...It's most definitely the most amazing thing I've made book wise. I also got to use AIR SUPPLY and LISA LISA AND THE CULT JAM records after winning an ebay auction for the entire contents of some bar's jukebox which was only 80's records. I didn't destroy the Phil Collins one though...since i'm too busy making out with it. Mmmm Phil.





I also made a whole bunch of Madeline Kahn shirts and this...the most amazing shirt I've ever made. Printed in silver on a whole bunch of colors AND tote bags. I even drew the SANTO, which I'm super proud of. Those eyes! Those nips! That chubby little stomach! It's based on my favorite EL SANTO movie, where he kicked the ass of a whole bunch of lepers only to go on and cure leprosy at the end. What a guy. What a guy. No idea if anyone in the world will love this as much as I do, but if I no one buys them and I wind up with 35 of these for myself that just means I can wear one every day and only do the laundry once a month. SWEET!





Now go! STAPLE is almost here! See all of you there!

All of you.

I mean it.

That's why god invented planes and stuff.

Don't make me remove my BFF tattoo of all your faces!


Ps and this message is mostly for Annie but....GUESS WHO SAW LESLIE HALL LAST NIGHT!!! Hint. It was Leslie Hall. She looked in a mirror. And then went out and performed a show for ME.* Woo!

*and a few other people I guess.

(EDIT: not private anymore since the SURPRISE! happened!)

Some of you already know, some of you might not yet, but our favorite Annie Sanders has decided to return home to her original California roots. This means a lot of things, mainly that it SUCKS for all of us NY'ers who adore the girl, but it's a good thing for Annie who is going to go back to school to teach art .

We're going to throw her one BIG SURPRISE party at my place the night of January 5. Please note the SURPRISE in that line. She thinks she's coming over my place to record a final Fluff Radio Review show, which we will...while we party of course. A lot of you on this list aren't even in NY, but I wanted to let you know about the final show in case you wanted to leave her a special WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU, ANNIE! message.

Anyone who wants to should call 347-823-3109 (aka dirt-bed-109... tee-hee, it also spells out fist-bed-109...but uh, yeah, let's stick with dirt bed...) and leave the message on the voicemail thing I set up. I'm going to collect all of the "goodbye annie" messages and integrate them into a big slideshow we're making her.

With that in mind, if you happen to have amazing photos of Annie or anything else you want in the slideshow send them my way! Any gifts/letters/or postcards for Annie can be sent my way as well.

The party is going to be in my apartment:
Around 6pm

...I'll have Annie get there at 7pm, so if you want to be part of the yelling SURPRISE! Feel free to come early. We'll be here all night though if you can't get here early. Also if you can get here REAL early like 3 or so you can come over and help us cook and decorate. Please spread the word to any friend's of Annie's that I may not have contact info for!

I'm also trying to come up with some songs to sing to her about her, so anyone who wants to lend some creative genius in that realm, I'd totally appreciate it.

For those of you who don't know Annie, all you really need to know to understand her coolness is she's the person who bought me my first real fake stache...



Which I am still wearing four years later...
"

While "Fluff Radio Review" will end I'm gonna start a new radio show with a new name, that won't have a super cool Annie-type co-host, but the podcasts entertain me too much to stop! If you have any creative ideas for what the new show should be (like what should it be called? should I still have bands? should they always be live? how about dead? should we do comedy sketches? segments of shows 40's radio style? Should I wear pants? EVER? No really? I'm not a fan of pants? etc.) feel free to send them my way.

Perhaps a show where I just play popular 80's songs with my armpits, or maybe I'll just read the all of the parts in the scripts to episodes of PERFECT STRANGERS without any emotion at all.


I think the only thing keeping me from crying about Annie leaving is knowing that Balki will be here in early February to comfort me.

HA! I just noticed that there are 120 reviews for Perfect Strangers on AMAZON and literally 119 of those are FIVE STARS. I mean I LOVE it, but I haven't seen a full episode in about 7 years. I mean, it's amazing I'm sure, but definitely hazy in my memory.

For instance I totally don't remember there being a floating disembodied head in the main cast.

*Jumps up* COLLEEN! PRESENT! or maybe it should be COLLEEN! FUTURE! or perhaps COLLEEN! SMELLS LIKE CRABS!

Who's going to be there? We shall arm-wrestle! Like friends do! I'll even bring socks for you to wear on your arms. Arms are for socks! Eerr...about the arm wrestling. It's just a fall back greeting style. I would normally offer my usual high-fives but Ms. Marianne can't get time off from her mean bosses so I feel I must retire the high-fives for this show. I would like to kick her bosses in the shins, but I fear my foot may slip a little higher.

Oh well, I'll have to invent a new way to greet people. Are friendly head-butts cool nowadays? Also! Is it head-butts or head-bunts or head-shoulders-knees-and-I'M-GONNA-HIT-YOU-IN-THE-FAAAACCE. (There has been a general lack of sleep in my diet. Does it show?) I should just start working on a handshake NOW. I'll let you guys know how it turns out. I used to have a secret one with Mr. Chris Moreno, but that one took about four minutes to execute and involved pretending to be cut in half by a chainsaw. Awesome handshake, but I'm not sure I can fall to the ground and writhe my last imaginary breaths every time I meet someone.

About the crabs...to make me even sadder, not only can't Ms M go, but Ms K can't as well. One of the best parts of every SPX has always been driving down in Klio's car with Marianne (and Anya once) singing Pat Benatar best-of's as loud as possible. Unfortunately Ms. K couldn't get a table this year, which sucks on so many levels since her comics are amazing.

Now I'm without a ride, which is cool. I'm no stranger to mass transit. I'm more of a stranger to what those pedals on the car floor do. The Chinatown bus is fine with me, which always gives me fond memories of the first time I rode it when I sat next to a man with a bucket of Live crabs in his lap, treking his little legged buddies to Boston (I like to think they were patriotic crabs. And that they all came home with washington monument keychains and little novelty Lincoln top hats on.)

Speaking of comics and presidents and crabs with novelty hats on: I AM NOMINATED FOR THE NEW FRIENDS OF LULU NY PRESIDENT. I AM THE ONLY NOMINEE! I WILL WIN! UNLESS YOU SUBMIT A WRITE IN VOTE FOR "TINY CRAB WITH COSTUME HAT ON" in which case I will cry, but gladly work in TINY CRAB's presidential cabinet if he, and his tiny hat, will have me.

ANYWAYS...BACK TO SPX...

If one of you happens to have a car and are heading out of NY OR are heading THROUGH NY and wouldn't mind giving me a lift I would be super appreciative! I pay for tolls! I buy gas! I can control my gas if we eat fast food! (One of the benefits of jumping rope all the time is I have super human clenchin' skills now!)

Anyone? Anyone? I can even meet you where you are leaving from, even if it is along a train route upstate or something.

Also, my co-worker Gina is going and needs a room to crash in. We currently have seven of us in our hotel room...which I think may not be completely ideal for her since most are guys. If someone needs someone else to help split room cost let me know and I'll pass along word to her.

As for what I'll be wearing this convention. I'm done with fake moustaches. Beards are in now. That and attacking your friends while they are dressed as breakfast foods. Annie makes a pretty pancake. HAPPY (belated) LUMBERJACK DAY EVERYBODY!



EDIT! Yes, Boston and Washington D.C. are the same city when I write posts at 2 in the morning.

So a few things I found out this past weekend:

1. I'm kinda ridiculously good at wielding a GIANT hammer. Please note on the video below that I NEVER miss.
2. If you try to murder a giraffe it WILL fight back. I now have a big ol' cut on one of my feet and on my hand.
3. If you hit things hard enough their heads will fall off.
4. Angela Lansbury is hard to get a hold of.**



Thanks to Shannon and Michael for taking the video. (Michael was also responsible for the amazing polariods hidden under the cut. Here's the link to the video on Google. Send me your screenshots in the next two days if you want to participate in the muuuuuuuuurder.

Thank you so so so much to my roommates, Mikey, Isaac, and Mason, as well as to the incredible Eric and Sara, and the wonderful Martha for trekking to greenpoint to help me with the project. Also HUGE thanks to all the chili-contest participants who had no idea what they were in for when they stepped out onto that roof. It means so so so much to me that you guys helped! It's kinda scary that I've been doing this project over four years now and it's so close to being done! The explosion is coming soon kids...but for now, let's just smash things!



( Evidence of Murder )

Part II of the MURDER is here: The ICE! The giraffe has been frozen in a big ol' block of ice, just WAITING to be smashed to bits with a rather terrifyingly big hammer I happen to have recently acquired.



If you are in NYC you should come and help me destroy it. If you AREN'T you should watch the video I am putting up for the next few days and take screenshots. I think I am giving up on last time and keep the video up indefinitely so more of you can get involved, and also this video is most likely going to be SWEEET!

I'm still debating what I should wear to smash a giraffe with a hammer, but I'm toying with a mix between these two outfits:


*cough* resisting the urge to make a "please hammer don't hurt um" joke here *cough*
ALSO, edit, didn't realize that gallagher one was animated. If you need me I'll be in the fetal position over there until my laptop battery wears out and makes the gallagher-monster stop.

( More details for you local folk! )

First off, I've been slacking in the world of the internet, having rather a crappilicious connection here BUT I must send a happy birthday to three of my favorite people in the world.

Person number Awesome:
His name on the internet is mister_punchy. His real name is HOLY CRAP WHY WON'T THIS GUY MOVE TO NY SO WE CAN ALL SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM. He has a collection of 80's commercials on tape that rivals the vaults of YouTube. He makes the most amazing themed holiday mix cd's, including my every favorite Fuck Valentine's Day mix. I SWEAR he write the best "nostalgic" entries on this entire LJ universe. He makes me simultaneously miss and thank the lord that I don't have to relive my late teens and early twenties. He's consistently the best thing on my friends page. I'm super slow with the birthday wishes on this one, but he's getting a "Mister Punchy deserves to take over the world" carepackage soon. If you have made it this far in this paragraph without friending him, click on his journal now. You won't be sorry.

Person number Cute-ass Glib:
Her name on the internet is sketchartists and more and more her name on the internet is Anya Garrett. She is one of the most talented, motivated, and unique people I have a ever met, not to mention being so damn cute it makes you want to start to wear a paperbag over your own head. Anya's an amazing photographer, who has all the traits to be a INCREDIBLY successful professional amazing photographer. She's got the loudest laugh in any room, no matter how many other people are there competing. She's incredibly loyal to her closest friends, and I'm always really happy to realize I'm in that group. I originally typed that as "closet" friends, and I'm sure she would be loyal to them, too. She makes me want to create and laugh, and those are two of my favorite things in the world. Her birthday was last week, where I ate perogis in her honor. There aren't enough perogis in the world to equal the awesomeness that is you, my dear.

Person number Her Actual Birthday:
Her name on the interwebage is dollomite, but everyone knows her as Marianne. I say everyone because she is friends with everyone, and if you don't know you love her yet, you just haven't been in the same room with her ever. She pretty much exudes a warm-happy feeling that makes you just want to be around her as much as you can even if it means you will get arrested by living outside of her bedroom window in a tree. She's got the quickest wit of almost anyone I've ever met, but is so modest about it. She spends most of her time around comedians who I SWEAR she is funnier than. She doesn't realize how talented she is, but we all do and I give it two years before she is in charge (of at LEAST the comedy world, if not EVERYTHING). Like Anya, she's so loyal and will be there in a second if a friend needs help. The idea I ever survived without her as a friend baffles me. I'm not sure how anyone could survive without Marianne in their life. Today she turns another year older. You should wish her a Happy Birthday.

Okay, I'm literally getting really sappy right now. Like misty eyed sappy to the point I had to stop writing this entry and give it a second before I continued. Some days I just feel so lucky I've come across so many of you that read this journal.

Sappiness=OVER, now on to the GREAT ROOMMATE SEARCH 2007!

My french roommates Natalie and Rachid move out tomorrow, which make me super sad because they were pretty much the perfect roommates. It was a mighty task to replace them...

So after one guy who didn't wear shoes, one girl who cut her armpit hair in the living room, one fella who "whoops, murdered a man", and three AMAZING people who were vetoed by my roommies due to joblessness...I finally have a new roommate!

Thanks to redknot for sending her lovely sis our direction! She won me over by being related to you, and she won Mason over by mentioning the word cookies, and she won Mikey over by liking theme parties, and she won Isaac over by being as he put it "such a sweetheart" and she won all of us over by wearing shoes and not mentioning any "parole terms." We're all super excited to have her move in.

Okay, about the shoe guy I can't seem to shut up about...

Now I always respect folks who go against the mainstream. I mean if you look at hair alone, scientific studies of the hair of my history of boyfriends includes a whole lotta boys you shouldn't bring home to mom. (Varieties including the don king, the "tin-tin", the green foot-length spikes (four to be exact), the purple bangs, the crazy beard, the guy with the tail and bowling pin/bowling ball shaved into his head....um..okay so that was my crush in 4th grade, but he was HOTT back then. Seriously. I'm not sure how I ever refrained from pulling that piggy hair tail and making a loud "BOOOOOING". Man I had a lot more self-restraint in fourth grade!) There was also the guy that febreezed his hair instead of washing it...but that was a very different story...um, one that lasted 9 months.

Now people with ridiculous hair are cool with me. People that spray products made for couches onto themselves instead of showering are cool with me. People that say "hey, Authority: FUCK YOU, but also I feel sorry for you, why don't you let me buy you a falafel and maybe we can chat and find out what in your childhood might have made you grow up into such a stodgy jerk-faced jerk." Those people. Those are the ones I love and want more of in my life. Unique folk that aren't afraid to be themselves. But I realized recently there is a line, and that line circles around three words "NYC", "winter", and "barefoot".

It seriously freaked me out when I saw him leave my house to walk the ten minute trek to the train BAREFOOT the day after it snowed, which means there was about three inches of brown slush all over the ground. I think I would have been less freaked out if the was the kind of guy who didn't believe in pants and left my house ass-naked wearing only boots on his bottom portion.

Shoes! Shoes are for feet!

I think that's my new motto.


SUBJECT CHANGE TIMES TWO:
1. You guys still up for Murdering the Giraffe a bit more this Saturday afternoon. (I got me a block of giraffe ice in the freezer and a pick ax...)

2. Anyone know a good tattoo place in NYC? I desperately need to remind myself I haven't gone corporate, before I go back to being corporate in 12 days...

Are you in Austin Texas? WELL, I AM! OR AT LEAST MY BRAIN IS!

As it seems rather unfair for my brain to get to take a vacation without bringing the rest of my body along, my body will be following my brain tomorrow morning to spend the weekend frolicking with friends and selling comic-y type stuff and shirts at my favorite small press show STAPLE.

The show runs from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. on Saturday, March 3. I'll be there with Ms. Marianne, Chris Yates (of Repro fame), David ! (of Wondermark ness) and I'll be selling books, shirts, and maybe even be wearing pants!

If you are anywhere in the neighborhood, and by anywhere I mean from California to Maine, you should totally stop by. Here's all the info you need!

In other news, Matt Damon is an evil muffin-stealing jerk! If I lose five pounds I'm going to be seriously pissed at Matt Damon and his whole stupid Bourne-whatever posse. That big ol' wad of extra fat on my ass is my own, Matt Damon! AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO STEAL IT AWAY WITH YOUR STUPID MOVIE!

*cough*

Alright, maybe it isn't Matt Damon's fault entirely that he happens to be filming a movie on my block and they are blockading my favorite place to get muffins. There have been about 40 trailers surrounding my office building for the past week. Part of me wants to yell at them, the other part of me wants them to decide my new thin-un-muffined ass should be starring in the movie rather than Damon's scrawny one.

And on to the most exciting part of this newspost. Did you know I really like Chicken Salad? I DIDN'T KNOW!

Okay so the video wound up 14 minutes long...even though the murder itself was much shorter. I'll upload the whole thing for you special folk. It'll be live in a few. Sorry for making you guys wait! We had some giraffe problems along the way.

EDIT: Fuckity fuck fuck and other f words you are supposed to use when you are upset. My internet is only working every ten minutes or so, so I can't upload the videos at all. I'm going to have to wait until Monday night after I upload them at work. So...

THE MURDER:
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12 7:00 PM New York Time. The video will be up for exactly a half hour now...because it takes a little bit o' time to upload.

Hope you guys didn't wait too long hitting refresh. I tried everything I could! My internet is horrible in the new apartment, my hair is going to fall out.